The adrenaline has gone and I am just left with sadness.
I feel so hurt [Not by my partner, just the feeling? Is that possible? Am I lying to myself?]
Im triggered. Shes said many times it wasnt bad enough and I feel almost angry. Not bad enough? Well what the fuck would she know she was unconcious and cant remember a thing. I on the other hand saw it all and there was no way it wasnt 'good enough' or bad enough, depending on what sort of veiw you're looking at. I saw a man die, heard them rushing round her, watched her being wheeled into critical care, which is intensive care prettymuch and saw them stick several lines in, blood gases, drips, the lot.
On the other hand it makes me feel shit, if I am brutally honest, I feel shit that I have the urges, but instead of acting out on them I am watching the person I love suffer by doing all the things I think should be happening to me. I dont know how to feel, but its not good. Cooking dinner today all I could see was things to hurt myself with, sharp edges, boiling hot pans, and every bit of me wanted to grab and slice myself. Its pulling me so tight. Making my heart race just thinking about it.
We had a bloody ridiculous time at the hospital today [she is home now, with me, I said I was okay to take her home, though they kindof said it was my choice]. Its a bank holiday, but so fucking what you'd think.. Shes on quetiapine long release and they didnt have it at the general hospital pharmacy, so they called the local psychiatric hospital, no quetiapine XL there either! So I asked for the dr to get a green script and find someone who could prescribe to a normal pharmacy. No dr in the hospital was able to prescribe outside of the hospital. The dr took 2 hours phoning round, then the hospital pharmacist came up and said there was no way we could get hold of the drug so they called back the psychiatrist we saw this morning [from the psych hospital] and asked if he would phone a local pharmacy [it was after 6 so we were now looking at a massive supermarket pharmacy that would be open till 8] and ask the pharmacist to dispense an emergency supply of quetiapine. He wouldnt, he said he couldnt, which is bullshit. I asked the dr on the ward to do this, and although she admitted it was possible, she wasnt willing to do it incase she took all of them (ethics kinda change when its a emergency supply rather than a prescription I guess) and she didnt feel comfortable, so thats when she called the psych back. [Any dr can give their GMC number and name to a pharmacist and request an emergency supply, even patients can do it so long as they bring proof like a repeat slip] So he called his boss and then the decision changed! Quetiapine was not aloud to be prescribed and instead shes been given benzos till next wednesday when she can restart all the meds so long as CMHT & GP are happy. So the poor dr on the ward spent 2 hours for nothing and now she has another load of benzos, which I will try to keep safe, but shes damn good at finding keys etc from being in a secure ward so long.
Ive just cooked us both dinner, shes trying to keep hers down, and you know what, so am I!
I feel so wretched. Theres so many things I have neglected in the house, washing up, clothes washing, cleaning, tidying, making beds up.
Another crazy thing was that the ICU people upstairs said she wouldnt be going home yet and moved her to a lower staffed ward, then literally an hour later the ward she was moved to said she could go home, yet she was still throwing up and had diarrhoea and shaking so her levels were still clearly toxic, and she couldn't walk without help. Change of tune so quickly was a bit confusing.
I want to be determined. I want to make this work, but it feels so unbelievably wrong not to hurt myself. Not to overdose. Not to do SOMETHING. I feel like Im commiting a crime against humanity to spare myself pain and torture.
I guess I just wanted to rant [&rave] and yeah. Maybe I'll spit out more atrocities later on, I dont know. Am I bad for feeling like this?
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