Okay Im gonna try and get out what happened. I dont need to think about it over and over and over anymore, it just hurts.
I went out for an hour and a half and half way through being out I text her to ask if she were okay, she didnt answer so I called after a bit and there was no answer and then I called again, no answer. So I felt like something was really wrong, part of my head was saying, you'll get home and she'll be there moaning at you cos you woke her up or something, but I knew it wasnt okay.
I rushed back and she opened the door after me panic stricken pressing the bell over and over. I almost had a panic attack running up the hill for fear and over breathing, but when I got in the door and knew what had happened I went into auto pilot. Called an ambulance, they came, they were lovely.
In a and e she was moved to resusitation and was bearly concious. All I could hear was snippits 'GCS 6' 'Call ITU' 'Get blood gases' then I was told it would get a bit noisy in there cos there was a cardiac arrest being brought in.
It did get noisy.. he died after 40mins of resusitation. I heard it. Saw bits. Someone's lost their son today. Someones world is going to fall apart. Is it selfish that I was frightened that could have been my loved one?
Shes in critical care right now. Her breathing isnt stable and she might need to be intubated in the night. A nurse is with her 24/7 because its a high dependancy unit.
I dont know what to feel. Today has been so traumatic. My head seems to be blocking the reality of it out somewhat. I feel terrified yet numb?
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