[bright.side.of.life]

so im in recovery
i know that i need to put weight on
and therefore ive been expecting this part of it
but it doesnt make it any easier.

i have basically just tried to avoid thinking about food
try to forget i have an ED and just live normally
and its working, im not nearly as anxious over food or weight anymore

but tonight, for the first time in a couple of months i burst into tears because of weight

i tried on 5 outfits to go out in, and only 1 fit. the rest were too small. i couldnt even do them up.

and it just hit me. ive been so concerned with ignoring anything weight or ED related that i hadnt noticed that i was putting on. great right? recovery right?
but it just means that its hit me twice as hard as it did before.

but i saw my sister for the first time in a month
and shes always said i was too thin
but tonight she kept saying how good i looked
and i got attention from men too, saying i had a good figure etc

but i just dont see it
not now i realise how fat i look
now im freaking out
and recently thoughts have been creeping into my head about ED
ways to lose weight
how to do it sneakily
considering getting rid of my bf just so i can
thinking about diet pills again
and any other drugs that could help (ive never even smoked weed!)

im scared
i dont want to go backwards but its not looking good
i had a tooth taken out this week so i cant eat very well at the moment
so im not eating as much
and already im considering fasting etc

i dont know what to do. i email my therapist but dont see her till october! so in alone. i dont know what to do.