I dont really know the exact reasons behind my anorexia but I do think that there are more than one reason and some of the paths I have been exploring with therapists etc inc...my body image and hating the way I look, not feeling good enough or accepted in society, wanting to remain a child, wanting to be in control, not being able to express my feelings well, lack of identity, sexuality, OCD, depression ... the thing is its all contradictive in my mind. I find it so hard to explain and to express how I feel. Sometimes I dont even know how I feel. Part of me wants to revert back to being a child...to be cocooned and taken care off. I kinda want to be swept up in someones arms and for them to take it all away...all the pain and hurt and confusion inside me. I dont really know how I feel that starvation will make that happen but its all kinda got screwed up in my head. Then there is the contradictive part of me that is desperate to keep in control....to not let anyone close....to not let anyone help me, because why should they? I am an adult...I should be responsible for myself....I should be old enough and adult enough to deal with things. Then sometimes when I dont feel so hungry or so tired or so sick, I feel downright awful and depressed and then its almost like I want to feel hungry, or tired, or sick.......just to feel something and to have something....but its all like a cry for help. For people to see how bad I feel.......because I cant put it into words......I feel like im just waiting......but for what? I feel more and more poorly by the day, and im just waiting for something to miraculously come along......and its not going to. So what do I do? How do you get better? How do you even know what to eat because I dont even know anymore, I really dont.
Sorry............I needed to let some of that out.......
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