Hi Stellata--or do you prefer Katie? :)
I don't know if my attachment and relationship problems are at the center of my overall condition (I'm just now coming to realize that there may be an underlying condition), but I know they do play a major part. I was not physically abused, but because of the way my parents related to each other, and to us, the dynamic in our house has always seemed...either tense, or on the verge of tension. I never had a sense that the house was happy, if that makes sense. It was sometimes temporarily quiet, but no more than that. I grew up feeling like I was an inconvenience to my family, even my siblings. Thus, I grew up silent and hyper-vigilant. I used to keep busy around the house, partly so I would have a reason to be alone, and partly because I wanted to be appreciated for something.
I guess I just wanted to try and explain that I really do identify with what you said about your "internal self-care system gone awry," and how much that affects everything. I also identified with what you said about feeling awful about it, and ashamed of it. I can only speak from personal experience, of course, but I think part of the reason it's so difficult to let other people get close is that I feel substandard. If I were a house, I would be ashamed to have people over for company, because I'm so cluttered, locked up and dirty. I don't know if that's what you were trying to say or not, but that's what I drew from it, and it really resonates. *hugs*
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