Originally Posted by
EyelinerAndCigarettes
I'm not ****ing ill enough. I need to make myself iller. I need to be worse. I need to die. I'll be ill enough to let myself recover then.
Helen, this is what I think, say, believe, need, want and feel - and you know what, it's a heap of complete tosh. It's a lie; an Eating Disordered lie.
If you continue to engage in the behaviours that you are, as you are at the moment you will die Helen; and no body here wants that, and I don't believe that you want that either.
I have this thought that says that I need to reach a point where I will be allowed to recover, I'll let myself recover - everything will magically be okay. The past two weeks have really shown me how absurd and ridiculous that line of thinking is, and also how much of a lie it is too. That point, that stupid point doesn't exist - it's make believe, it's a lie that your Eating Disorder tells you. When you first start out it might be x weight, or y behaviour, then a year in when you've passed all those there will be a new set of goals, and then, 5 years on there will be a whole new set of rules and then 7 years on there will be another new set of rules; you won't ever, ever achieve anything in your Eating Disorder other than loss of health, friends, family, yourself and your life. I know from your posts you have been in hospitals, A&E, Doctors, serious damage done from your purging, possible life long issues that are going to stay with you and your body is really struggling; and yet that isn't enough.... Doesn't that prove to you that there isn't ever enough? It's something that your Eating Disorder tells you so that you continue on going.....
It's time to stop Helen. It's really, really time to stop.
You are more than an Eating Disorder and although that is what feels safe to you right now, nothing about what you are doing is safe. You have a place at an IP unit, and that is so, so damn hard to achieve and access - people die because they are unable to achieve funding, people are poorly for years because they can't access that help when they need it - you need it, and you have it; now it's up to you to make the most of it. The support from your friends and family and all the professional staff is there; but now you have to really try, and you have to want it Helen.
You're not happy now, you're not having fun or enjoying you're life; you're stuck in a complete hell..... It'll be hard and yeah, it'll be very scary - but you know what, it's time to make changes and it's time to really try.
I was working through things the other day, and I came to the decision that; If I stayed the same; I'd die. My body would give out and actually, I mentally can't cope with this anymore. If I got worse; I'd die. My body would just give up and I'd die through organ failure or something similar. I don't want to die, I haven't held on for this long to give up, or for my life to be taken away from me; that means I have one option - I have to fight damn hard. I'm terrified and I want to run, I hate everything about it - but I know this is the only way I'm going to get better, this is the only way that I have a chance at life......
It seems to me that you're in a pretty similar situation right now.....
It's time for you to choose.....