[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm aching. I can't control these tears anymore & I'm breaking broken.

They told me I have Anorexia Nervosa/ Binge Purging Type.
I'm fat though.

I'm not coping & I've tried ranting,, but nothing comes out, I'm too numb. I'm pretending everything is okay, to my family & to staff,, even to paitents,, I just don't want to let anyone down, I want to please everyone, I want to be perfect.

I went on home leave last week & spent every hour&minute binging&purging, or excersising. & I GAINED WEIGHT. Hm.... I'm going home again this weekend for longer... I'm so lost. I want to be better, but I can't seem to do it. I just keep purging after every meal/snack.... Granted its not everything (They give me meds to help the food digest faster) but I can't stop. I want to stop.

I want to live.,, but theres a heart attack sleeping in my chest.

Oh&For those who don't know I'm currently IP at an EDU.