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Self-sabotaging
I got out of the hospital a week ago and since then something has been bugging me. A long time ago I hid 3 different tools to hurt myself with in my journal. My mom brought in the journal and unbeknownst to her or the staff there were blades inside it. I knew though. I should have told them but I didn't- not right away at least. I cut several times over the course of the 3 days I had my journal with me. I fessed up after three days to my doctor. He wasn't mad, but my nurse was! She searched everything in my room, the lights, the bed, all my clothes, made me strip and confiscated my journal. I didn't get it back until I was discharged which really sucked as I needed it to write my thoughts down.
Anyways, my nurse asked me why I didn't come to her when I wanted to cut. I told her I was scared to (she was kinda scary tbh) and she said that I wasn't scared. That this is what I do. That I'm self-sabotaging. That I was wasting my time in the hospital by cutting myself while there. That I was wasting her time. That I was never going to get better unless I threw away all my tools and stopped sabotaging myself.
This was 2 days after another nurse told me that I needed to get my act together and be thankful for my life because there are starving kids in Africa who would kill for my life. Real helpful.
To the point...
What do I do? Obviously bringing tools to the hospital and using them was not the best plan but I was scared they'd get mad at me for having them and I'd be there even longer. Well that exact thing happened so whatever.
I don't want to sabotage myself, I don't try to. It just happens...
What do you think?
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