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foolish
Ever met people you used to know in school and realised how stuck your life is?
It has been such a long time since being in school....and so much has happened both good and bad.....that's life yeh?
But....with the way i am now....seeing their happiness, seeing their marriages and children and the fullness of their lives i feel.......*PAIN*
I am not envious...they deserve it all....in some cases i know how hard they have fought for it.......but.....it is hard knowing i need to fight this before my life is able to move forward...
I can't form friendships let alone relationships without feeling so dirty. I stay away from everyone. I can be really shallow......i can pretend....but i'm really very scared of being friends....and....trusting.
It is really hard being at the point where I should be finding myself and the person who may love me....maybe.....and hating every single part of that. (i want to cut myself purely for admitting i maybe lovable....because i'm disgusting............).
When i was younger i pretended, i could pretend that i didn't need anyone, that everyone was too young for me, that i was too cynical...that it was beyond my contempt...etc etc.....Seriously being younger was such a massive, massive excuse for me......
I'm not able to do any of the stuff people talk about (on here and irl) but that doesn't mean that i'm not very lonely. I don't get to know anyone but that is my fault because i don't want them to get close to me because i feel so disgustingly dirty and feel at screaming at them to stay away.
I feel you all hate me for being so pathetic for writing this so i'm going to post this on faith alone that someone will respond out of good faith alone
because i realise i'm a fool. pathetic. fool.
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