[Delirium.]

i watch her take another handful of pills. Comes out stumbling twenty minutes later. Watch her trip over herself and fall into the door frame "get ready for school." "Mom, its Saturday and it's 3am. and i graduated." She looks at me her eyes unfocused and half dressed "it is?" "yeah mother go back to bed" A big crash and me and my brother pick her up from her bedroom floor and put her into her bed. "You're a big woman you have to stop this..."

Do you know how hard it is to still be a kid and need to pick your OD'd mother off the FECKING FLOOR?! do you?

I'm watching her kill herself, yet when i OD she tells me to quit being stupid. Because you know mother i don't really want to die. I didn't intentionally take a full bottle of vicodin. i didn't cut the veins from my arms and I didn't wrap the rope around my neck, no.

I'm stupid?! look at yourself
look in the motherfecking mirror. do you like what you see? DO YOU EVEN FECKING SEE YOURSELF? you tell us what we need to do, but we know you're the one who has no idea what's going on.

Tell me mother do you know i'm not 14 anymore? You told me the day you gave me pain medicine for my tooth not to cut myself, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FECKING IDEA THAT I STOPPED CUTTING WHEN I WAS 14 because you've never even looked, or bothered to notice.

Would you know to be proud of me? For getting my GED, and passing with the highest scores of anyone whose taken the test that day? To be proud of me for stopping my SI, for learning that i wasn't a good person and for changing who I am for the better? DO YOU EVEN FECKING SEE ME?

you tell me you care and you miss me but you put me on the streets, you in a drug induced coma put dad in jail. YOU ARE THE REASON I WANT TO DIE MORE THEN ANYTHING

but if i tell you that you yell at me, call em ingrateful. tell me i'm just a little bastard and it's my fault my fault NOT YOURS. because you can justify your actions. no i have no reason at all for wanting to die.

BECAUSE IVE ALWAYS BEEN ALONE.

do you know what thats like mother?

to be completely alone?

I lost everything I ever cared about, my brother, my sisters, my small broken family. My home, my friends, and any chance I had at a decent life because YOU DIDN'T TEACH ME ANYTHING. you lay in bed, as you have since I was 9 motherfecking years old. NINE YEARS OLD. I've been picking up after you, picking you up off the fecking floor. BUT WHEN I'M ON THE FLOOR YOU TELL ME TO GET UP AND QUIT BEING STUPID BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PISS.

Does that seem right to you?

I watched you you know, i watched you fall down this hole. start with the surgerys and pills, and you say well you go through 11 surgerys and tell me how you feel. YOU NEVER EVEN NEEDED THEM IT WAS BY YOUR OWN FECKING CHOICE. And it's killing you.

It's killing me.

I have no place to call home. There is no-one i call fecking family because of you. BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FAMILY IS,.

Tell me mother did you know my first hug wasn't until I was 14? The same year I stopped cutting? DID YOU KNOW I SPEND ALL MY TIME ALONE STILL BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO BE SOCIAL?!

Because i'm so afraid that I'll lose everything. JUST LIKE I LOST YOU.

When you took me in from living in an orphanage in england i thought i'd finally have a family, be happy, have a home.

YOU DESTROYED THAT?!

ARE YOU FECKING PROUD OF YOURSELF?

I will sit here. I will never tell you these things because you don't fecking care and you never did, and you never will.

Because it isn't your fault, is it mother?

It isn't your fault that i'm dying, that i'm alone, that I live with people i barely know. That i'm lucky to even know what love and affection is, That i'm gay, suicidal, a loner, that i'm goth, that I don't know what real family is, that I have to keep picking you up off the floor because your too ****ed up to even know what day it is. No it isn't your fault. AND I KNOW WHEN I'M GONE YOU MAY NOT EVEN NOTICE.

I hope the pills take away your pain.

I really do.

AND I REALLY HOPE YOU FECKING OD AND DIE YOU ****ING FAT WORTHLESS PIECE OF **** YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE EVEN HAD KIDS BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER BE A PARENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're not even hardly human.

C- U - N- T.

Die.