No one really has to read this, it's just what happened for my sake.
So first thing, I sat down and started pulling the letter thing out of my bag. I knew if I waited, I wouldn't give it to him. I said something along the lines of "this is for you" and handed it to him. He joked around and asked questions like "You're okay with me reading this?" and "Is it okay if I read it to myself?" "Do you want me to turn away". And of course, he was serious about it, but he also knows that humor is comforting to me...plus he's just a funny guy.
I was just thinking: "Just read it! I don't care!" tehe
But anyway...I sat there while he read it and I had to REALLY remind myself to take REALLY deep breaths so I wouldn't get sick or hyperventilate. So I sat there staring at the floor, and I tried to lift my eyes a little after taking a few breaths. It's okay, it's okay
So the session definitely went differently. I mean I basically just gave him my internal thoughts that are very, very internal for me. He did mention after a while that he really respects that I gave it to him, and that he feels honored, etc. And it was also kind of funny: he said the letter had really nice grammar...to which I responded "I write like I talk". Ha: I'm snarky...I wasn't really meaning to, but it really seems like I was now that I think about it.
He also asked at one point once he put it on his desk if he could look at it again, he's so nice. Yes, it's already out in the open, you can look at it again.
He asked me why I decided now. Why I decided to give this to him now...I wasn't really sure, besides I'm fed up and frustrated wasting time every week.
He moved on to ask me a lot more questions. Which was somewhat nice for a change. He's definitely not a "I'm going to pick away at your problems" kind of therapist, he's a "I'll wait for you to come to me" kind of therapist, so it's really hard for me. I don't really know what I would prefer. But I think it's a good match for the time being.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic.
He asked me if within the last 7 days I woke up and wanted to be alive. I said no. He asked 14 days? I said I didn't remember. Which means no, really. And he knew that. He asked lots of things, like stuff to do with enjoyment...which all kind of proved I'm depressed, but he didn't say that. But it seemed like that's where he was getting to.
So lots of questions...lots of me trying to remind myself that I just gave him a huge part of me in that letter, and that I can say stuff in front of him. But as much as I wanted to, I still didn't say a lot. I'm a really big short answer person. But he did ask things about why I don't speak up around him, or other people, and I did flat out tell him I was scared.
"Scared of what?"
"ummmm...people knowing too much?"
I don't even know why...ak. That's helpful, huh?
Anywho. He finished up saying, "I know we joke around in here, but this is serious: I need to ask you some things." (He's gone next week doing training) And he proceeded to ask me things like
"Do you want to harm yourself?"
"Yes."
"How much?" (and he gave me some kind of scale to measure it on) "How often do you think about harming yourself?"
"A lot. All the time"
"Have you attempted to?" he said
And I really didn't know what he meant...attempted what? He knows I cut...so I said no. Because I was assuming that he meant attempted suicide, which I haven't really.
Then he asked some type of "how long has it been/how frequent" and I told him I hadn't cut in 7 days (whohoo!).
Anyway, I'm 99% sure no one cares to read all of this, basically he gave me his email and phone number and told me to email/call him next week while he's gone if I felt like I needed to/wanted to. And to tell him if I needed a reply, ie: call me back, or if I was okay, and we'll talk the next week.
On the way out I jokingly said something like, "I'm glad I didn't have a panic attack giving that to you" (I really mask intense feelings with humor...blah) and he said something like "It wasn't as bad as you thought it was right?" or "I don't think it was as bad as you imagined." But no...it was definitely terrible and scary and made me feel pretty crappy.
Then I left and went to the bathroom and slightly hyperventilated for a while - clenching me fists so I wouldn't use them to hurt myself. I've never felt such a strong urge before, it was really intense. I was really close to walking back in there and telling him I needed a minute to be safe before I left. But I didn't. I walked to the bus stop, almost turned around 2 or 3 times to go back, and saw I had a voicemail from a friend. I called her and didn't mention anything like how much I was trying to keep my self on the sidewalk, but she definitely was a distraction.
So now I wait two weeks...that's SUCH a long time now that I just completely opened up. I'm afraid I'll shut down again, but I know I have my writing to give him.
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