Thats normal and a good observation as long as you don't hate the truth of it. Objectively speaking SI is a pretty far out thing to do. Trying to see it otherwise would be a rationalisation. Such a rationalisation might make SI more bearable but it will also cement you to the problem and rob you of the urge to quit some day. If you can be aware of the guilt and awkward feeling and dont run from the pain - but also keep a light attitude towards it then one day you'll think of cutting and it will seem boring to you. What will happen is instead of you quitting cutting it will quit you. You can leave it behind with no struggle. The reason is that being objective ultimate breaks the spell of compulsive conditioning. Seeing whats true and not resenting it moves you back to your center where you real control and awareness reside. Doing something wrong is often not as bad as making the excuse for it - thats a form of psychotic denial. So you want to see the weakness and sillyness but you dont want to beat yourself up over it because that attitude makes issues worse. See the problem and it will resolve in your growing awareness and you'll be a better person for the ways you'll grow. Your already a step ahead of the game and don't realise it yet. You'll be ok someday not far off.
|