[TheFearThatGaveMeWings]

I'm 18 years old, and I have yet to get a stable diagnosis. I was abused as a child and have yet to move forward from it. I have disassociatoin really bad, to the point where I have occasional blackout's where I forget where I am, who I am, what I'm doing. Things don't look the same to me, words look funny sometimes.

Occasionally, i'm overly aware of my surroundings but that only lasts a few seconds before it sinks back into detachment (disassociation).

I've had really strange dreams that I'm placing a noose around my neck, that I'm cutting myself with jagged glass before slitting my throat, another dream I was shot to death but the dream didn't end with that, I was on the ground bleeding from my stomach as people stood around me including the one who shot me.

I'm very hostile and untrusting, an aggressive person who thinks a lot about killing people or myself. Sometimes both.
I've thought about burning my house down several times, poisoning my mom or just outright shooting her.

I have hallucinations to the point that I'm not sure what's real and whats not.
Strange delusions that certain people can read my thoughts are common along with beliefs that if I think to much about a past memory or just a fantasy(usually bad), I'll get sucked into it and it'll become real which scares me shi*less.

I told my doctor about the hallucinations and he's thinking brain seizures but I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm losing it.