*hugs Kat* - thanks sweetheart. it means a lot to me that you read, and i promise that i will try to keep going.
right now it feels like i am attempting to climb mount everest. i tried to make it through today without using xanax...
i didn't make it.
i got through quite a bit of the day i guess - like until 11:00 am but i was "skittish". i was jumping at every single noise i heard, like
- the neighbours screaming at each other
- the babies in the housing commission places screaming (they are less than a year old and their parents scream at them to shut up when they cry instead of trying to work out why they are crying)
- cars going past on the road
- or even cars just going up and down the driveway
- normal computer sounds
- warning computer sounds
- and various other "neighbourhood" sounds that make up our daily life here.
all i can say is thank f*cking christ the V8's haven't started yet...
i left the house twice today. once to go to toys'r'us to look for a present for my housemate's parents to give to his daughter and then again for dinner. both times freaked the living daylight out of me. the first time my housemate kept telling me to stop hyperventilating. it's so easy when you aren't panicking to tell someone else not to panic - but when you are panicking it's so damn hard to stop. it's like your brain just takes over and goes on it's merry way and won't let you do anything except what it wants.
i'm getting so sick of this anxiety and the subsequent reliance on xanax. it's made my urges towards self injury and suicide so much stronger. i've been fighting both urges today so badly that i'm wondering if it's worth it.
on top of that i'm fighting the eating disorder urges. i've lost a little bit of weight over the last two weeks so maybe i'm on the right track and i just need more time.
i just don't know anymore. maybe i can do this without the negative coping strategies . . . . .
i just don't know