[byemebyeme]

I'm having an extremely hard time in therapy talking, and I was promoted by some members to write something down and give it to him.

I write very often and extensively, trying to make sense of everything.
I've told my therapist that I write a lot, and when he asks what I write about, I don't really have an answer...it's really an explosion of anything and everything I'm thinking. He also said he would be interested in what I really mean when I say that I "write about everything" but I'm really not comfortable sharing my actual journal entries with him.

But I found a middle ground between my crazy, all over the place journal writing and me sitting down and writing a formal letter. So last night my head was somewhat clear, but still rushing. I just kept writing, so it's still kind of all over the place, but it's somewhat more contained that my normal writing.
So I wrote a little (somewhat long written out) letter type thing explaining stuff to give to him on Tuesday.

I'm definitely freaking out about giving it to him. And I needed to just get it out in the open, and I'm just looking for some support. It's really making me sick thinking about giving it to him. I'm really not looking for "I think you should change this and this in the letter" comments, I'm just looking for some support right now. I'm not changing what I wrote. It's me, completely out in the open, and I know that's what I need to do as painful as it is.

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So here it is:

When you asked me why (the song) "World Spins Madly On" has meaning to me, I lied: I said I didn't know; I said it was pretty. I do know why it has meaning to me. But I'm scared to tell you. Even though I know it's safe to tell you, and I know especially in this situation I don't have to worry about being judged. But I don't know - "Old habits die hard" right? I've spent so long teaching myself to be quiet...to just share what people want to hear. So now I'm stuck. I hear what I would say in my head, and I push those words away. And really, it is quite frustrating. I play out complete conversations just to reassure myself that what I could say might now be as bad as I think it is. I try to find the courage to say what I want - what I should - and I loose it. I stay quiet, and to everyone else, seemingly perfect. I'm the one who has it all together.
So like in the song, I wake up and lay there. I try to fall back asleep just so I can have a few more moments of peace. I wake up and am bothered that I'm still alive. I can't enjoyment where there is none. I don't know where to find the motivation to wake up and try, and push, and live through this. I try so hard and constantly fighting - and I don't want to anymore.
I'm so tired - in every way.
I don't remember not feeling this way, really. And so it bothers me that I don't feel like I have a reason to feel this way. Especially since it's been a long, long time. I decided before to agree that I would "grow out of it" - but now things are the same, and worse at times, so I'm thinking it's not a faze.
Is everyone else really in this much pain too - hiding it day by day too? Or are they just fantastic at coping? But it's strange: nothing has to happen for me to feel this way, I just already do. I wake up and go to sleep with the same thought, with the same pain, and I find it impossible to believe that "things will get better." It's only gotten worse - I didn't ask for this. I didn't.

I want to tell you this, but my words break and melt before they reach my lips. So here they are, broken and confused words, aiming to clear things up and to make sense for once. My pen is strong when I cannot be.
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