Well, I didn't really have objections cuz I was a really insecure kid and any attention was good. I know I never told him "no", never even thought it, actually, but it just really f***s me up to think he actually knew what he was doing.
Actually, scratch that. I did tell him "no" once, and he agreed (it was late at night on a sleepover) but we woke up in the morning and started again.
All these years I thought he was a curious kid who knew a bit sexually, thought up games to play and that we played them in a twisted sort of innocence...but thinking he did any of it on purpose, deliberately taking advantage of my insecurity -- and it seems really likely, in retrospect. When it was only he and I, I was fun to be around, we'd do things. When our other friend was around, I was the odd one out. They both knew that I hung on their every word so they'd purposefully take advantage of me (in non-sexual ways, just playing normal unsick games.)
And just seeing him talk to people (because he's a member of my extended family, we see him fairly often) is painful because I can see this calculating, cold mind behind it all. Everything he's putting up is a facade....and that just clutches my heart. A few days ago it did right as I was kissing my girlfriend and....oh, it hurts.
I feel weak.
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