Aimee - you do have an illness. And admitting that isn't a crutch or an excuse, it's simply a fact. And people need help when they are ill. "Should" is always a very dangerous word, psychologically-wise. We deal the best way we can. The "shoulds" can drive us crazy and dig us deeper into self-loathing and feeling like a failure.
"Knowing better" does not change the fact that you are ill - and it does not make you weak or stupid to be ill while you logically know that your behaviors, etc aren't healthy. You are not "this", you are a lovely person who happens to have a mental illness.
I'm sorry if that's not helpful. At the very least, know that I hear you.
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