Thanks for your replies.
i really appreciate what your saying, and i know if i dont get into uni its not a big deal/end of the world. i can wait and go some point in the future but its the only thing thats kept me going.
iv let myself down, and although my parents are very supportive and would rather i was happy than pushing myself to get through university, they know how much it means to me. i also know that if i sit and wait to get better...it will be worse. i have to have a focus in my life, goals. otherwise, i cant cope. theres no reason for me to 'have' to survive, at least when im at school/college i have to be okay, i have to turn up and i have to be able to function.
i dont know if that makes sense or not.
him discharging me made me feel like i obviously must be okay, and theres nothing wrong with me. i went from seeing someone 3 times a week to seeing him once every 3 months which...happened twice and now, noone.
:/ what happened in september, i dont think i can talk about it. its something that i cant deal with. i blocked it out as long as i could but before that i was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and i kept having panick attacks and my anxiety was really high. so blocking out was the only way that i could manage.
now that its all coming back im worried im going to loose control, i havnt dealt with it.
i can go to see my doctor and ask for a referrel but...i dont trust people easily and by the time i get referred and see someone, i dont think ill be able to tell them what happened. and although it will be in my notes, to deal with it i have to talk about it and...i know if i do everything will get 100 times worse, and il do something stupid.
and then everyone will worry and....i guess im worried il be sectioned again. because i got told before that if i ever stopped taking my medication or attempted suicide again they would have reason to section me because iv not been able to take responsibility for myself in the past.
my parents have always fought against me going into hospital, but my mums worried that if i attempt suicide once more she will lose me, and..she said before as much as she hates me being in hospital, and dosent think that it always helps, it keeps me safe and thats all that matters to her now.
sorry im rambiling now.
i still dont want to take my medicaiton.
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