[SweetEscape]

Hey..

Not really sure if posting this will help me or not but I came here cause I know I am close to "slipping up" so what the hell it's worth a shot right?

I used to frequent ryl back a few years ago. Back then I was battling a SI problem, I haven't had that problem for the better part of 4 years now but really that's only because that's when my substance abuse problem started.

For the last 4... well, almost 5 years now I have lived my life pretty fast and ever changing. It's honestly easier just to name the few drugs I haven't tried then the one's I have. Everything I tried I loved and everything I loved I did way to much of. Everytime I'd try to stop doing one drug I just end up doing a bunch of another.

By the end I was living in a cockroach infested crackden shooting meth to keep me awake and smokin tar to put me to bed. Everyone else in that whole place was exactly where I was. It wasn't uncommon to find people smoking you name it on the stairs outside your door.

It was then I tried to clean myself up, which was really more just like an elimination of the "hard" stuff. I have stopped everything but smoking and the ocasional drink but I'm really not sure if you can say that's any better, it's not really any cleaner.... I guess if anything it's just a little safer.

I haven't touched anything "hard" in a year and a half and although I throughly convinced myself I had concured my cravings last week... This week I am not even sure I will be able to make it a few more hours without something..... anything thats different.

The sad part is... Is I know i'm better off now I have a nice house I rent, I have a job, I am clean... cleaner anyways. But I work at a homeless shelter, and I find myself getting jealous of the addicts I try to help.... Jealous they are high and I'm not. I'm not proud to say it but i've even seriously considered stealing substances I find during room checks.... thankfully I've never found anything.

how do you get through when you feel like this? when you feel like throwing away everything you've worked so hard for away for that next rush... I thought these urges would of stopped by now....