Hello everybody,
sorry for writing you this...this post will be depressing.
I´ve been having a shitty day and I cannot stop crying
.
I am afraid that I will complain to much but now, there are so many things which have happend during the last weeks and therefore, I am having a little breakdown.
My depression which is always there, hit me harder again.
I guess, I could need some support right now.
- This noon, I had therapy and it didn´t go well and I doubt whether this therapist is the right one for me and if she understands me.
I had searched for a year to get into therapy (this is quite hard in Germany) and she is my only hope.
My therapist is so much against SI and furthermore, she said that I shouldn´t talk with my friends about my mental problems because they are medical laymen.
- I doubt so much on my stopping with SI and it gets harder and harder for me not to slip up.
- This evening, I had a little problem with my mum on the phone but now, at least that is O.K. again.
- Then, I wanted to phone my best friend and well, our friendship is very complicated because our needs differ very much.
I just wanted to speak with him because I do not feel well and then, there were some misunderstandings and we had a trouble.
When I started to cry, he got really nerved and angry and because of that I had to cry even more.
- I am so tensed because my phobia hit me again very bad and moreover, my nightmares get worse each day.
I have severe sleeping problems with my sleeping rhythmus and the nightmares make everything worse.
I have kind of hangovers, so the following day I am still afraid or angry of persons I have dreamt of.
- I am still suffering from typist´s cramp in both arms and I feel like I am a complete loser because I cannot fulfill any of my good intensions.
Everytime I do something, the pains come back and I feel like getting punished for everything I do.
- In not even three weeks I will have an oral exam and I haven´t not even learnt yet but not even registered for the exam, too, and I am afraid that I will manage this next week (before the time out).
- Furthermore, I´ll have to apply for a practical work for my studying and time is running away, too.
What is even worth, I am so afraid because I do not trust myself to be good enough for working because of my depression and my sleeping problems.
Sorry for writing everything down.
I know that there are many things that are worse these problems and I had suffered from much more worse things but now, all these little problems are adding themselves and I breakdown.
Hug,
Judith