*hugs* I can really relate to this, I also have had a lot of symptoms of past abuse and many people have asked me if I have been abused but to my knowledge I haven't. And like you I acted very strange from an early age with secrecy. I still haven't found the answer, I've thought about hypnotherapy too.
However, I do know that *some* of the symptoms of abuse, like sex hurting and such, were due for me to the fact that with my ex I was being manipulated into having sex when I wasn't in the mood (well more complicated than that and turned worse later, but anyway...), but I didn't want to admit what he was doing so I kept telling myself it had to be something before him. But now that I'm not with him, I have no pain with sex...
I have no idea if this is true for you, but if you felt pressured into sex early on or even pressured into sexual actions when you were still a virgin, it could have triggered the vaginismus. I didn't have that that i'm aware of, and I don't think that's what it was as it went away when i left him, but my body acted very similar to those symptoms and I'm almost positive it was because of the way he was. So I'm definitely not saying this is the case with you, but I do know that even if there was something in the past with me, many of the sexual problems were things in the present that i should've dealt with much earlier. Your bf sounds a bit pushy and I can't tell for sure how bad he is from what you wrote, and I don't know how your first sexual experiences were, but if you've been feeling like you don't have a choice, regardless of whether you do, it may be your body subconsciously reacting to feeling trapped.
It of course doesn't explain the problems with being quiet about stuff and also preoccupation with rape and all if those symptoms were before losing your virginity/becoming sexual in other ways as it was with me. But I just thought I'd bring it up as your story sounds so similar to mine as far as all the signs point towards abuse but there's no memory of it and it really kept me in a bad situation.
But if that's not an issue with you, hypnotherapy might be an option. I am very wary of it myself just cause i'm terrified of false memories, but I've also considered it, I know how frustrating it is to feel there's something you don't remember. Just make sure you check out the reputation of your therapist, and also maybe take some steps like having someone there or recording your sessions to make sure there's no suggestions going on. I really don't know for sure what the best action is when everything points to a repressed memory but it's not in any conscious memory at all. I don't know if it's better to remember or not. But either way I definitely can relate and I hope you can figure out what is the best way to deal with it for you.
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