So damn tired. Meh.
Anyway, first things first.
Crimson: Thanks for the hugs chicka. *big hugs* back at you. And thanks for taking the time to respond.
Kat: *huggles* Thanks hun, both for the hugs and for the good wishes.
It really means a lot to me that you take the time to read, and respond when you can. I really appreciate it.
The appointment with my Job Counsellor - or whatever she is supposed to be called - on Thursday went fairly well. We talked about my emotional situation and the resurgence of my DID and various other things like that. My old Job Counsellor - she got me the last job I had which ended very nastily when they had a change of Manager who fired me due to my mental illness and then caused the organisation to settle out of court because otherwise it would have looked really bad for them . . . as they were an organisation working for people with disabilities - came in and I mentioned the resurgence of the DID and she asked me if they were the same personalities. I'm thinking of asking her of information about them because I know very little about my alters.
Anyway, I caught the bus down to my Disability Employment place and it was a terrible ride. The driver almost missed a stop . . . well, actually he did miss it. He slammed on the brakes and ended up a few metres in front of the bus stop and then slammed into reverse gear, revved the engine and put his foot flat to the floor and took us back. The stop before I got off the bus he pulled up behind another bus which meant that the majority of his rear-end was still in the middle of an intersection. He let a couple of people off the bus, and people were still filing to the front to exit the bus when he attempted to get clear of the intersection. This caused one lady at the front of the bus - who had absolutely nothing to hold onto - to go flying. The drivers concession was to ask her if she was okay after he had stopped the bus. I was so glad to be getting off at the next stop.
Anyway I had a call from the Advocate who had missed the appointment. We've got an appointment on Monday morning - but this time at her office. The call came really late on Thursday afternoon. I have to confess I wasn't expecting to hear from her until this coming week as they don't work on Fridays - or at least their office isn't open on Fridays. I guess we'll just cross our fingers and see how things go.
My housemate and I met up with my mother yesterday for lunch. Mum had surgery to have titanium screws put in her jaw a week or so ago. She has some pretty extensive bruising down her throat. She's basically been on mushy foods since then like mashed potato and pumpkin, soups etc.. We're having my parents over for dinner next Saturday night ... it could be interesting. It was quite a nice walk up to the shops - some 2.5 km, even if my housemate had to keep telling me to slow down.
In a purely environmental sense things have been very, very quiet. On an emotional front . . .
My friend still hasn't come to any sort of financial arrangement regarding the monitor. My housemate had broached the subject with her and we'll know by her reaction towards me in the next week where we really stand.
- The emotional fallout from this:
- I don't want to lose a good friend
- I'm struggling financially
- I feel used
- I feel like I've been abandoned in a time of need
- I'm questioning whether I can trust her
- I felt hurt
I was a member of a group aimed at being supportive and helping to lift it's members, all of whom had mental illnesses. I explained the difficulties I was facing getting treatment here, and one of the members told me to lay down and die, and put up and shut up. She used her example - she got upset at her psychiatrists receptionist and her psychiatrist got upset at her - to tell me that I should not make waves, as if it was as serious as the hospital administering an overdose and then refusing to treat the resulting symptomatology.
- The emotional fallout from this:
- I felt they were belittling the situation
- I felt let down
- I felt I could not trust this person
- I felt I could not trust anyone else in the group
- I felt incredibly hurt
My little baby girl Heidi's death anniversary is next week, as you would most likely already know.
- The emotional fallout from this:
- I feel pain from missing Heidi
- I feel regret from having to make that decision
- I feel regret from not having been able to spend more of her last day/years with her
I'm not able to find, or even really look for work at the present time.
- The emotional fallout from this:
- I feel useless
- I feel like I am worthless
- I feel like I will never amount to anything
- I feel like my life will never improve
- I hate myself for having skills but for not being able to apply them
On top of that I am having strong urges to self harm and attempt suicide. I don't want to leave the world that way but the urges just keep getting stronger. My housemate keeps telling me that if I get angry at someone - like the Health Department - not to take it out on myself, but I don't even know if that's what this is. I don't really know what is going on right now. Sometimes it just feels like it is time to cut the rope. I don't know why.
I don't know anymore ... I really don't. Sorry.