[Stellata]

Sometimes now I'm really... well. For hours, sometimes a whole day here and there. Well as in, well, not freaking out all over the place and able to be with my feelings and understand them.

But sometimes I'm. Not.

I feel confused. I mean, I know I'm getting better, and that this is part of the whole thing. But on my bad days I can be really bad.

I guess... my falls back into illness are more trigger dependent than a global state, as it has been for quite a few years now. And when the triggers come, I can bear the feelings better than I used to be able to. Though I still have some way to go yet.

And if this confuses me, it probably confuses others, who don't know about recovery from this kind of thing. I guess.

And then I wonder... am I starting onto a milder phase of depression [never much let up with anxiety, but I've lived with that for longer than depression, really, clinically speaking] and perhaps even a period of remission? Which, although that's great, the prospect of my falling into a more severe depression at some point in my life again is a probable thing. After all, I have 'Recurrent Depressive Disorder'. And if the 'worst' happens job wise, the dangerously depressed Pit could be very close. I guess I'll deal with that when/if I come to it.

It's a bit frightening as I get better. Lots to work through and navigate. And there're still some virtual 'no fly zones' in my psyche that I still edge around and try to run away from. [this damn volcano is everywhere, even in the metaphors for my head...]

Anyway. Can anyone else relate?