I understand that the pills make you feel worse and there's no point taking them if they are going do that. I don't think you're ill either, how you feel is a result of things you have been through in the past and I'm really sorry to hear that you had to go through that. It sounds like you've been experiencing flashbacks. Are you familiar with any grounding techniques for when they happen?
It must be so distressing for you :(
You aren't pathetic at all. You really really aren't. I think you're quite the opposite, you're very strong and brave to have survived your mum being so cruel to you and aggressive and the bad things that went on with the guys you mentioned. You're a survivor.
Are you having any therapy or similar?
If not maybe you could see your psychiatrist and ask to go down the talking therapy route rather than medication.
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