[bleedingdragon]

Hey jim,
your welcome for my words im glad they mean alot to you, i know you want to forget the past it takes time, we all struggle with it, try and give yourself time . Im still working on trying to forget alot of my past its an ongoing process . Its hard too coming to terms with your empty present you need time to begin healing some of your past and that in turn will help you begin to fill your empty present with new things and new people.

Im afraid the future may be bleak for many of us for a while until the economy settles down im guessing your in the uk? you dont say on your profile, who knows maybe this co olition government will make some better changes . Im sure right now the government funding isnt looking as good, your doing your best by looking so try not to be hard on yourself its the government that take alot of the responsability.

I hear you about trying to see your local Dr who said theres not much she can do that must have been devastating for you to hear. If your in the uk and your not happy with your Drs support you are entitled to see another Dr in the same practice. Or you have every right to move practices to see a new Dr. In order for any success with a Dr we have to be able to have a good relationship between us if we dont get on or agree then nothing will work. We are all different and sometimes we dont get on with one Dr so we try another Dr.

She has no right to say to you she can only supply drugs antidepressants to people with a chemical inballance, and you havent got a chemical inballance, how does she know she has no tests to prove it.. As a Dr she should be assessing you to see what symptoms you are showing that show you are depressed. If your depressed your entitled to try antidepressants alone or to try a talking therapy, or maybe both like me i am on antidepressants and receiving a talking therapy .

This chemical inballance thing is contraversal because its not completly proved there is some truth in people having a chemical inballance but not everyone who is depressed has a chemical inballance, and alot of the drug companies push the Drs to use their antidepressants pushing the chemical inballance thing . There are symptoms of depression and thats what a Dr should be looking for , they have no way of measuring if you have a chemical inballance or not. Ive never had a test for chemical inballance , so shes wrong to be saying to you she cant give you antidepressants Grrr they make me mad.

In the past Drs would automatically prescribe antidepressants like sweets to everyone. When they should have checked properly and assessed who really needs just the antidepressants and who really needs a talking therapy, many people actually need a talking therapy but never got one until know they are supposed to offer patients the option of a talking therapy.

As hard as it is for you please see another Dr in your practice if your not happy you can speak to the practice manager of the practice and make a complaint explaining you havent been listened to and youve been refused antidepressants. If you are as depressed as you sound you need to be on antidepressants and maybe a talking therapy its your right to receive the right treatment. I know how bloody hard it is for any of us when we are depressed we often cant stick up for ourselves and say what we need to. Ive seen 3 Drs in my journey and im glad i held out and managed to keep speaking up for myself it was my 3rd Dr who got me back into the system and to see a psychiatrist.

Of course your bloody hurting hard grrrr and of course you are feeling as bad as you are you need support you need antidepressants you cant be expected to cope alone with this. Your Dr clearly doesnt seem to understand what being depressed is like. Well im glad your Dr gave you a number for a counsellor yes some counsellors ask for a donation or a set fee. If your in the uk the way the NHS works is that you go to your Dr because your ill they diagnose you as depressed, they talk to you about options like antidepressants alone or with a talking therapy. And then they refer you to an NHS counsellor, therapist, psychiatrist or if your lucky a psychologist. You dont have to pay for an NHS counsellor, therapist, psych, admitedly there is a long waiting list to see them unless your case is urgent then you should be b umped up the list.

Hey i can understand why youd cry when you see your nephew hes cute, thanks for sharing the picture, im sorry hes got cerebral Palsy no one deserves to suffer with that. Yes im sure his life is alot worse than yours, and i can see how you feel bad that your body is in perfect working order. life is often cruel we often dont have control over it often we just have to deal with the after shock the best we can. Rember you bring love and joy into his life whenever your around him and im sure he loves you very much for that. Aww the picture is great seing him having his feet soaked im sure he appreciated you soaking his feet for him. Im sure she wont find out :) *Hugs* im sure he often makes you cry thats because you love him so much and you care about him and want the best for him, and yes im pleased he also makes you smile a great deal .

Thanks again for caring about me im getting by, i do bottle sh*t up alot sometimes it explodes n i end up self harming and the rest is released in my sessions. I do have professionals to talk, ive seen 2 CPNs, and 5 psychiatrists so far. I still see the CMHT psychiatrist who looks after my meds, and i have a care co ordinator sheesh theres alot goin on in my life right now.

Im currently on Mentalisation group and individual therapy weekly for the next 18 months . There is a psychiatrist running the group therapy and i see a psychologist, psychotherapist for individual therapy all this is only to treat my symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I still have enough sh*t from my abusive relationship/ marriage that i need to be treated for as well but i worry that the mentalisation therapy wont treat it but hey for now i need to be greatfull for receiving the mentalisation therapy which i am.

Im really glad you were able to have a big release in your 1st post , yer the sexuality stuff is a nightmare for me, i hear you too about thinking you had feelings of the same kind, can i ask if you still have or you have managed to speak to anyone about it, you dont have to answer if you dont want to. Well i think alot of us guys believe our dads would abandon us or killed us if they knew we were Gay or bi i honestly think my dad would have a go at me if he knew i was gay. my mum has given me the impression shes not comfortable about gay people especially if its shown on tv two guys were kissing on a film and she said that shouldnt be shown on tv grrrrr.

Your right i wouldnt know unless i tried i have tried, i was scared sh*tless i had the lot sweaty palms , butterflies, and i was excited all at the same time . I have tried once i explored with a like minded guy and we both did oral to each other and we both loved it. It was wonderfull and such a turn on , he was ok with that 1st exploration but then lost it and backed out. He was exploring his sexuality like i was and i guess he got scared and ran away. He told me to f*ck off when i hadnt done anything wrong hes since applogised but our friendship has been damaged. I will never forget our exploring but im in torment because i cant accept im gay i was brought up in a society that still says you should be hetrosexual and marry and have children and its a sin if anyone is gay or bi .I feel guilty and blame myself , im scared sh*tless luckily my psychologist/psychotherapist is a specialist in identity issues/ sexuality issues so theres some hope for me im still screwed up though.

your pict of your nephew made me smile so thanks

Dave