Thank you so much for your reply's
Its true i am bitter about my past, i know i shouldn't think like this but its really hard not to. I love my family so much, it doesn't help knowing there's nothing i can do about their problems, I try to give them advice but they usually get angry , my family will brush me off anytime they're confronted with the truth that they need to clean up.
I do try to remain positive, im looking at CDL loans to pay for college courses at the moment. But i have good days and bad days, most days have been doing normal day to day tasks, pretending that im not affected in anyway at all, but inside im screaming and dying, none of my friends or family know any of this, and with my family being so fragile probably will never tell them, iv hinted towards friends about my feelings without telling them directly, speaking about suicide usually brings frowns and anger, my friends don't understand at all, I don't blame them they have never experienced being in such a state, don't think ill tell them ever either.
Most nights i cry when my family are sleeping, not sure how long i can go on like this for, it does feel better talking, and can see people actually read the whole of my post which is warm and loving thank you, just some nights its unbearable, i get myself worked up into a frenzy and i cant control it at all, i always ask myself why live? i feel iv been given this precious life but cant use it to benefit me or anyone else, a pointless existence with no future and a past that always haunts me.
I know i shouldn't talk/act this way, but knowing how i should be and actually doing it are completely different things.
bleedingdragon i hope your feeling better, just reading this forum makes me feel a little better, people who have similar problems that understand me better than friends or family could.
This forum from what iv seen is a very loving one, im very grateful for its existence and all of your loving support, im supposed to be a tough male but emotions get the better of me.
Thanks for listening Hope everyone who comes to this site feels a little better