I agree that with such a decision you need to be 100% about it. It will change 100% of your life (and, probably 150% of the people who care about you). Does anyone know you're struggling like this at the moment? Do the crisis team know how close you came and how you are feeling, what you've done to yourself?
For me a big part of being suicidal was although I wasn't 100% on the decision to die, I wasn't 100% on the decision to live, either. Sure things "could get better", but would they? But then with life you always have the choice and then you're eventually going to die, anyway, but you have some time in between to live and experience things. With death there's no going back, at all.
Please don't give in to these thoughts, and be honest with the crisis team about how serious it is for you right now. I am worried about you, please be honest with them. I really hope you get through this.
Thinking of you xx
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