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Crayon, · 04-05-2010, 06:40 AM

I know i haven't posted in the CC for a while, infact I haven't been active on RYL at all for the past couple of months.
Things aren't the best right now and I'm finding writing has once again become therapeutic for me. Some, not all of this is true. I'm just trying to know that I'm not the only one who struggles, that this is real.

We chatted for hours on end; mostly about ourselves. I told her everything that day, from the SA to the eating and even such minor things as how I hid my eating disorder from her. In return she listened and let my cry on her shoulder when the tears threatened to surface again; I also gained a thorough knowledge of how she didn’t know how to deal with her daughters issues.
Eventually we worked out a deal; I would board with Nan until I felt ready to come home, until I was stable. That night the whole family came over including my aunt and uncle, cousins and Nan and Pa. It was a sit down meal and I managed to get through the whole night without throwing up or hiding food, I felt okay that night.
After taking clothes and the necessities back home to Nan’s that night we continued to talk sitting on my bed, in reality she was trying to distract me from over thinking the family get together that night. But we just talked about little things, such as people from school and what gossip was going around. Eventually I succumbed to sleep in her arms and that was the end of one very stressful day.
------
The next morning I woke late into the morning with Nan shaking me.
“Time to get up teag, you have a CAMHs assessment today” she spoke softly. I groaned and got up, knowing I couldn’t repress the inevitable forever. So I got up and got ready, shaking slightly as I got dressed.
Two hours later I was sitting in an unfamiliar room with bright blue walls and ugly grey carpet. I was sitting on a hard cream couch, fiddling around with the bracelets on my arms. Nan kept telling me to stop fiddling during the questioning but she was gone now and it was just me and the CAMHs lady who had introduced herself as Kerry. I still had no idea what I was doing there; I was mainly venting in hope that something would cause her to help me get out of this tear in my world.
I told her everything, just as I had told Mum, Nan and Jen; my aid. I knew that I couldn’t live like this anymore, it was dangerous; I was killing myself. Eventually I was able to go, but was referred to a psychologist in two weeks time and until then I had Appointments twice a week with my CAMHs case manager. In my hands I had all the support in the world and I still had no idea where to turn, everyone knew my secrets. They knew how I used to throw food in the neighbours bins that were right next to the fence outside of my bedroom, they knew that if I got the positioning right all of it would go directly in the bin. They knew that I used to go to my bedroom to eat then do sit-ups and push ups and then exercise on the Wii for a good hour. They all knew how I hid things now. But I still wanted to hide, I wanted to get skinnier. But I wanted to get better, because I knew the repercussions of my diminishing health. I held in my hands the two most important things in my life, one was killing me and the other was keeping me alive. I made the decision that would ultimately turn my world upside down once again.
Thanks for reading.

04-05-2010, 06:40 AM	#93
Crayon, Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Spare Oom, War-Drobe	I know i haven't posted in the CC for a while, infact I haven't been active on RYL at all for the past couple of months. Things aren't the best right now and I'm finding writing has once again become therapeutic for me. Some, not all of this is true. I'm just trying to know that I'm not the only one who struggles, that this is real. We chatted for hours on end; mostly about ourselves. I told her everything that day, from the SA to the eating and even such minor things as how I hid my eating disorder from her. In return she listened and let my cry on her shoulder when the tears threatened to surface again; I also gained a thorough knowledge of how she didn’t know how to deal with her daughters issues. Eventually we worked out a deal; I would board with Nan until I felt ready to come home, until I was stable. That night the whole family came over including my aunt and uncle, cousins and Nan and Pa. It was a sit down meal and I managed to get through the whole night without throwing up or hiding food, I felt okay that night. After taking clothes and the necessities back home to Nan’s that night we continued to talk sitting on my bed, in reality she was trying to distract me from over thinking the family get together that night. But we just talked about little things, such as people from school and what gossip was going around. Eventually I succumbed to sleep in her arms and that was the end of one very stressful day. ------ The next morning I woke late into the morning with Nan shaking me. “Time to get up teag, you have a CAMHs assessment today” she spoke softly. I groaned and got up, knowing I couldn’t repress the inevitable forever. So I got up and got ready, shaking slightly as I got dressed. Two hours later I was sitting in an unfamiliar room with bright blue walls and ugly grey carpet. I was sitting on a hard cream couch, fiddling around with the bracelets on my arms. Nan kept telling me to stop fiddling during the questioning but she was gone now and it was just me and the CAMHs lady who had introduced herself as Kerry. I still had no idea what I was doing there; I was mainly venting in hope that something would cause her to help me get out of this tear in my world. I told her everything, just as I had told Mum, Nan and Jen; my aid. I knew that I couldn’t live like this anymore, it was dangerous; I was killing myself. Eventually I was able to go, but was referred to a psychologist in two weeks time and until then I had Appointments twice a week with my CAMHs case manager. In my hands I had all the support in the world and I still had no idea where to turn, everyone knew my secrets. They knew how I used to throw food in the neighbours bins that were right next to the fence outside of my bedroom, they knew that if I got the positioning right all of it would go directly in the bin. They knew that I used to go to my bedroom to eat then do sit-ups and push ups and then exercise on the Wii for a good hour. They all knew how I hid things now. But I still wanted to hide, I wanted to get skinnier. But I wanted to get better, because I knew the repercussions of my diminishing health. I held in my hands the two most important things in my life, one was killing me and the other was keeping me alive. I made the decision that would ultimately turn my world upside down once again. Thanks for reading.
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