Thanks Kahlia, it means a lot that you read and replied.
Am drinking. Screw it. I am sick of this. At least drinking will numb me a bit and even if it doesn't then I can harm better. One bottle down, one and a half to go. My old social worker called me today, the one I had before I moved. He had forgotten I now live 100 or so miles away. He has a problem with my benefit forms (the same ones I thought had been sent already a while ago) and he had forgotten I moved on Monday. Now I have to make a 3.5 hour round trip on Tuesday to fix his screw up. I am already making the trip on Thursday to vote but he is not available then. Don't know why I am bothering. It won't really effect me.
See?? Nothing is going ok. There are signs all over the place just telling me to do it. To give in to the inevitable. So why aren't I? Its like by avoiding it then I am actively upsetting fate.
The truth is that I am scared of dying. Not of the actual dying bit....that does not bother me, in some ways it intrigues me. Not even of what happens to you after you die. I am scared that I will not be able to cover up my screw ups i.e everyone will know I withdrew from uni, everyone will know an untidy freak I am, everyone will be angry with me....or rather my memory. I don't want people to hate me even more when I am dead and can't defend myself to them.
I have to be perfect. I have to be what they all want me to be. At the moment that is by lying to them. I can't manage to continue to do it alive though and I can't guarantee it dead. I need to get over that fear of being judged. I'll be dead...it's not like I will know what they're saying.
I have a date set in mind. I have told my friend I am staying with that I will drive her to Brighton and go and see a friend whilst she has a romantic weekend with her partner. I'm a weird mix of scared and excited. The build up before you die lifts your mood much better than any of the drugs the 'professionals' give. Shame it can't be bottled.
**** it.
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