I understand that right now it would be so intense for you that it is a very real chance you may cry (or even scream) when speaking about it, I really hear through what you've written that right now you're obviously overwhelmed. That is so understandable.
It's also really understandable that you don't think you can forgive yourself right now. I don't expect that for a while you will feel like you can, and even once you feel like you can it might not happen straight away. Maybe before this forgiveness can happen you need to just be gentle with yourself and keep yourself as safe as you can, trusting that the forgiveness will come and intensity will not stay this strong for you.
Incidentally, somewhere inside you when you are ready to deal with this, remember that forgiveness does not equal acceptance. Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone your actions or that it was right, it can still be something you think was wrong, but simply you are removing some of the guilt from yourself.
Perhaps you need to find a safe place and a safe area for you to express this, and give yourself permission to cry. Have you cried about this yet? Are you feeling grief alongside the rest of these emotions as well, do you think? If you can recognise that you might cry and scream maybe you can find someone you trust and just... see where it goes. This might be a nurse or a friend but hopefully someone who can keep you safe and hear you. Or even doing so in your RV thread might be therapeutic.
Has anything helped you to reach out for help in the past? Is there anything that helps you be able to express yourself in a way that helps you get support? I'm wondering if there's something the nurses can try with you to encourage you to reach for them for support when you need it. I know that some people prefer to show something they've written and then discuss it, but this can be confronting for others. So if anything has worked for you in the past maybe it's worth considering.
I can hear that you are hurting a lot right now. Please don't give in though, take everything in your day moment by moment where possible. You can get through this, I know you've got plenty of people here who care of you and the nurses are there to help you too. I am glad you're in a safe place, but if you're feeling unsafe, please be honest with them.
xxxx
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