Kim, stopping fighting someone who you think might kill you if you keep fighting is survival, not consent. You did what you had to do to get through it as best you could. Sometimes it's safer not to fight an attacker as it will just make them more violent, and more likely to hurt you worse. It was the right thing to do, and it doesn't even resemble consent. You told him you wanted to leave, you fought to get away, and he forced you to stay anyway. That's not consentual sex. You didn't ask him to rape you, you asked him to let you leave. It's not your fault.
You had EVERY right to go to the police afterwards. He locked you up against your will, he threatened to kill you, and he raped you. Police investigations aren't perfect, and just because the police f***ed up and got it wrong doesn't mean you were wrong to go to them, or that he didn't rape you.
You say it didn't effect you much, but then here you are saying all these horrible things about yourself and that you're falling appart and everything. I'd say it pretty clearly did effect you. It's effected you because he raped you. He held you against your will and raped you, and that's not your fault.
You couldn't possibly have known what would happen. Even if you did that still wouldn't give him the right to rape you, but there's no way you could have known. Of course now, knowing what happened, you can replay the events leading up to it and everything seems like a warning sign you should have noticed, but it only seems that way because of what happened later. Before it happened there's no way you could have known.
Kim, you are a wonderful, amazing, and utterly fabulous person. You deserve to be loved and cared for, and to be safe. You didn't deserve to be raped or abused, you don't deserve to die, and you don't deserve for anything bad to happen to you ever.
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