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......
Honestly, I don't know anymore. I just know that I feel very alone and I could really use some support right now or just knowing that someone is here. Listening, I dunno.
I came out of hospital, after almost 5 months in there, a month ago and today, I was put in here again. Secure unit this time with people constantly watching me. I feel like such a failure that I couldn't deal with more than a month in the free. I feel empty and lonely and I'm just not coping. A lot happened while I was out, something that really put me off. Some will know what it is, others will not and I don't feel like explaining it now as it's so very hard for me to talk about.
But I've been struggling a lot for the past two weeks and my suicide thoughts have gotten so severe that it's no longer safe to be home. Not that I want to be home right now, I don't want to be anywhere right now to be honest. I feel so empty, so incredibly empty. There's actually nothing that keeps me alive right now other than not being able to act on my thoughts in here.
I'm so angry, I want to hurt myself and others. I want to harm strangers in the street, I want to harm my boyfriend for doing this to me, his family. Even my own. This week I ended up hitting my mum several times, I've never done that before and she was only trying to help me, but I can't control it. I really can't control it. And I'm so sad, I feel like ripping my heart out, literally. scratch it out with my nails. Stop me from feeling, from living. Just stop me from anything.
But the worst part is how empty, how alone I feel. Everything i lived for was ripped out of me. I can't stop thinking about what I was forced to do. I can't stop hating myself. And I just feel so empty, like there's nothing left at all. They removed all my dreams, all my hope, all my love. Everything, and I feel so guilty, so horrible. Like the worst scum walking this earth. I disgust myself and I no longer want to be here. I keep breaking down crying, screaming and I honestly don't believe I will make it this time. I am completely convinced, that if they had let me go home today, I wouldn't be alive now. I had no intentions on living, I had it all planned and I've never in my life been this determined to die. It upsets me that they wouldn't let me go home, that I couldn't get it done with.
I don't know what I'm asking from you with this, I don't know what I want. Perhaps I want you to lie, tell me it's going to be okay, even when I deep in my heart, know it's not going to this time. Maybe I want someone to forgive me for what I have done. i don't know anymore, I don't know anything. I just need something.
I'm sorry for the post, it's pretty pointless, isn't it?
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