*warning, this is very rant-y and not sure what I want from this*
I'm sorry to bump this up but I'm not feeling so great right now and could just use a hug or something.
I woke up feeling terrible, then felt a bit better even did a couple of things that I've been putting off... but now I've crashed again and feel like I just can't do this anymore.
I'm trying to hold on until I see my psych tomorrow afternoon, but I just dont know what to do with myself until then, I dont know how to keep myself in one piece.
Dont know I'm probably just moaning, I should just be able to snap my fingers and put on the happy face that everyone loves so much but I cant seem to do it right now.
I came to the realization today at DBT when everyone was talking about their "illness" that I am classed as "mentally ill". I hate labels, especially BPD, and it's really getting me down that that's apparently what I am and it's all that I feel I amount to. If you take away my "illness" would there really be anything left? I just feel like, no actually I know, that it's taken over my whole life and everything in it seems to revolve around my problems. I'm trying so hard to change, to get better and move forwards and away from "mental illness," I dont want to be like this! but I dont feel like I can keep going indefinately, or like I can believe that things will ever change.
My psych wrote this to me last week after I told him I got rid of my pills..
"A life of such pain and sadness and emptiness shouldn’t be anyone’s destiny and it wont be yours. I am so confident of this, partly because of what you just did today in throwing away the pills. That took courage. Please believe me Ally. You have a different future ahead of you. Walk with me away from self-injury and suicide."
I wish that I could believe what he said, so so much, but I just can't anymore.
I dont know what I want from this post, I guess I just needed to get it out because this sadness and hopelessness is overwhelming me right now.
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