Hold on Hold on Hold on!...
If you think someone is going to kill you and therefore you "let them" have sex with you that is not consent. Consent is a freely given thing. Giving consent because you think someone is going to kill you is not consent and if he had sex with you under those circumstances then that is rape. Just laying there isn't even consent. Consent is active. One must say yes, greatly imply yes or must be obviously into what is happening to them for consent to be real. Just laying there isn't consent especially when you think someone is going to kill you if you don't let them do what you are doing.
That police report is wrong!
You are not a horrible person. Any normal person wouldn't put up a fight if they thought their life was in danger. You didn't deserve anything. If someone else told you your story as if it happened to them would you tell them they deserved it. Probably not.
If what ever happened wasn't abuse or wasn't bad then why does it still bother you....
consensual sex does not bother someone years after it happened to the extent this obviously bothers you.
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