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true reasoning
I think I might have discovered why I have had such a hard time in accepting something from my past. Everyone has always kind of expected it to affect me loads more than it has. Truthfully, I just thought that I hd done my usual and shruged it off, either that or not accepted it myself.
Today though, I think that I may have discovered the true reasoning behind it. I was not abused or raped as I have claimed. As the police report said, it was consensual. There was no signs of a struggle. I just lay back and let him.
I have relived that night when he locked me in many many times. I always thought thathere was nothing else I could have done. Sure I was scared, I thought he would kill me. But I still just let him do it. I tried telling him I didt want to stay. And i tried to get out but I couldnt. And then I just gave up. Just stoppedfighting and let him. I hate myself for letting him, but i still did.
But wait there, it gets worse. Not only did I let him, but once I did escape, I went to the police. I deserved everything that happened after that! I deserved to have died, but I cant even get that right. Why didnt they see how evil I am and leave me there.
How am I suppossed to deal with this now? How am I suppossed to go on holiday and pretend that everything is fine knowing what a horrible person I am. I deserve everything i got and more.t
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