[Stellata]

I managed to initiate a conversation asking whether mum had remembered the name of my teacher for the 'missing year' of my memory [2nd year Juniors]. She hasn't. But one thing we talked about was my crying when I was in Reception class, age 5. And how it was handled. Of course mum didn't question it. She didn't even know for sure why I was crying. But there is a deep empty ache in me, and how what was done must surely have intensified my belief that emotions were wrong. Apparently I was crying,I cried a lot, every morning, and this was upsetting the other children, so the welfare woman took me walking around and around the field. I don't think we can have done any talking, and it probably felt like a punishment. I don't ever remember crying, I just remember feeling very lost. It's the feelings of rejection. That I was upset and had to be taken away from others, to look after them. As at home - 'don't upset your father'. I learned over and over again that my feelings weren't wanted or tolerable by others. Mum didn't even know why I'd been crying. She didn't talk to me. Or did she and I was just, like, mute? I don't think she can have talked.

No wonder Trini and hence Katrina were rampaging all over the place really badly on my walk home after this conversation.. I can have compassion for that. I'm amazed that I could understand and make the connective insight. I've come a long way.

I did also venture to say to Dad how he seemed not to be very happy around that time of the 'missing' year. He said he couldn't remember. At least, that's what he said. He could recall being unhappy around 1981 when he was transferred location at work, but not all the time before then. Hmm.

I'm just really looking for some empathy and witnessing by posting really, please, as in, acknowledgment, understanding and caring. Please. Thanks. :)