Yes, it;s good that the option is there, but it also means that I can mess myself up and know that I can go back there. I'm so fed up with this. I just want it all to be over! I want the pain to stop and I want to be happy. I know I'm not okay, but now I'm afraid to reach out. I'm afraid that by doing so I'll just ruin more relationships and I'll be even more alone. I cannot handle that. That's what landed me in the ER yesterday.
The crisis worker yesterday said that I need to really remember what I've been taught and just do it. Just follow the coping mechanisms and all the other things put into place. She said that I can't come in to the ER every time I feel bad. That I've been in treatment for a year and that I should be better by now.
I'm not better though and I know it's my own fault. I've never been assaulted or anything so I don't have a good reason for this. That seems to be the message I'm getting. "Assaulted? No? Then what the hell is wrong with you?" That's why I feel like I'm faking so often. Because I've been doubted by the professionals.
I miss my old social worker. He understood. He "liked" self-harmers and was willing to take the time to work with me. God, I wish I was 18 still so I could be admitted back to where he works.
I feel so incredibly self-centred. Like I need to be putting other people first and let myself fall to the side. I don't matter anyways so what is the point in trying to save myself? There isn't one!
I can't see myself getting older. I never thought I would make it to 19, let alone 50. I don't think I want to. I don't think I want to make it to 20. I don't want to fight if it just means that I'm going to get in trouble looking for help. Maybe I should get big into drugs. Maybe I'll develop some horrible illness and they'll finally believe me. I have the drugs, I could overdose on something strong and become a medical emergency. Too bad I don't have the courage to do that. It would hurt the people who know too much. I can't hurt them like that.
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