Your welcome borntobleed,
Im glad you have a psychiatrist and that your currently on medication for psychosis . I can understand that you may not feel like you can talk to your psychiatrist about anything, but its really important that you can tell him how you are feeling he is there to help you, if you dont manage to tell him stuff he wont be able to help you.
Why dont you feel like you can talk to him ? , can you write stuff down and give it to him to read ? .
I hear you about being in a childrens home until your 18, and that they currently know your a chronic self harmer and that your depressed and suffering psychosis. It is really important that you talk to your psychiatrist if your still struggling with stuff. I also understand your still self harming most days, and its good that you had a favourite member of staff.
It must be very difficult for you not to get really close to certain members of staff . Its important that you can get close and trust someone such as a member of staff although there is a difficulty if you do become too close to each other, and i understand that of course there was nothing innapropriate going on. I hope you dont mind me asking but i wonder if its you who get to close to other people or was it the member of staff who allowed themselves to become too close to you.
Im sure since shes been gone youve been trying your best to make her proud of you by you not self harming, try not to put too much pressure on yourself . I hear you about allowing your psychosis to take over often controlling your self harm.
Its really important that if your psychosis is getting stronger and your struggling to control it you really need to find a way to begin talking with your psychiatrist so they can adjust your medication.
You are trying really hard not to cut or to give in to the suicidal urges and thats great , but please understand if you really struggle you should talk with your psychiatrist they are there to help you and im sure they will do everything they can if you let them know.
If you dont think you can talk to any member of staff then please talk to who ever is in charge of the staff and explain your concerns to them, so that they can work something out for you. It is important that you are able to approach a member of staff to talk to when you need to thats not fair that the one member of staff you can depend on your not allowed to talk to why is this .
Im glad that at the moment while you feel you cant talk to anyone else you can talk to us here in RYL please keep doing that. But please understand that there is only so much we can do to help you here such as give you a safe place to be, to accept you, and support you . I hope that you can in time talk to members of staff where you are and to your psychiatrist so things can get better for you.
Dave
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