[lilrenthefox]

*GRAPHIC*

I hate it here, I hate living, I hate having to put on a fake smile everyday of my life, I hate that he raped me and I am afraid of men, I hate not having a job, I hate that I'm not in college yet, I hate that I have nothing to fill my time with, I hate that I feel like slashing myself to pieces everyday, I hate that I love that blade, I hate that I need to see blood to feel ok, I hate that I'm OCD about everything, I hate that small things bother me, I hate myself for hating all these things...

Ok, now that I've ranted, here's what set me off:

I get my income taxes back in, and my husband says that I can apply for a loan to get that Kawasaki Ninja I've been drooling over for 5 years....well guess what, with good credit and no loans, kids, rent, I can't get a loan through my bank...I actually let myself be happy and get my hopes up. I feel so retarded about this leading to me harming myself but I can't help it, seems like everything/anything is a good excuse to pick that blade up.

It seems that just to function normally I have to walk around with gashes on my legs and feel them sting so I can be punished, I don't want to be punished anymore! Haven't I done it enough? Haven't I cried enough, haven't I bled enough? Has the damage I've done to myself been good enough? It wouldn't matter what I wanted whether it be a car/bike/bicycle, I never get it...I should be used to this by now.

I feel like a child, but the fact of the matter is "I would like something, ANYTHING, to just go right for once in my pathetic excuse for a life".