|
Ronnie was still sat in that same position at the end of her bed, staring at the floor when Jack walked in half an hour later. He was changed and had a small bag with him. Ronnie couldn't help but smile slightly at this, it was as if they were at a year 6 sleepover rather than a couple. Jack knew instantly that there was something wrong. After years of an on off relationship with her, he knew that the way she held her body, still and stiff, and the far away look in her eyes meant that in his absence, something had happened.
"Ron?" he said, concerned, "what's the matter?" She blinked and looked up at him, as if she had only just realised her was there.
"Nothing, just an argument with Roxy. Nothing new," she brushed away his worries. Jack could tell this wasn't all, that there was more to it than that, but he didn't push the matter. He knew Ronnie well enough to know that she wouldn't tell him something unless she wanted to. All he could do was try and comfort her as much as possible without knowing what is was that had upset her.
Jack went and sat down next to her on the bed. He put an arm around her waist and kissed her, lightly.
"I love you" he whispered. She kissed him back,
"I know," was all she said in reply.
Not even Jack could keep the dreams away twice in a row, Ronnie had the same haunting nightmare that she had grown so used to, only this time it was worse. When the car hit her daughter, she looked into the window at the driver, and saw it wasn't here dad, it wasn't even Janine.
It was her.
She let out a wail like a wounded animal and sunk to her knees, screaming,
"I killed her, I killed my baby."
Ronnie woke with a start, tears streaming down her face, she buried her head in her knees and continued to sob, quietly, so not to wake Jack. She didn't realise that Jack was already awake, he saw her curl into a ball, and knew she was crying. He didn't sat a word, just wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him, holding her while she cried. When he sobs
finally subsided, Jack wiped away her tears.
"What is it?" he murmured, he didn't want to force her to tell him, but to try and coax it out of her without starting an argument.
"I had a dream," she muttered, "it's nothing really, I've had the same dream hundreds of times before, it was just different this time. Worse."
"How was it worse?" asked Jack, gently.
"I was driving the car, usually it's dad, but this time it was me." Jack didn't have to ask what she was talking about, he knew in an instant. He stroked Ronnie's hair.
"You know it wasn't your fault," he tried to convince her. Ronnie stayed silent, not wanting to say what was on her mind.
"The dream, was it anything to do with the argument with Roxy earlier?" Jack questioned. Ronnie nodded in the darkness, then remembered Jack couldn't see her and said "yes," quietly. Instead of asking her, Jack simply waited for her to explain, knowing she only would if she wanted to, and there was no forcing her to tell him anything.
"She said it was my fault, that I caused Danielle's death, not dad," she whispered after a while, her voice breaking. Jack drew a sharp breath.
"She didn't mean it," he said, he was sure that Roxy really hadn't meant what she said, the pair were always fighting, saying things they didn't mean. But all the same, he was equally sure that what Roxy had said had cut right into Ronnie, opening old wounds and creating fresh ones.
"Maybe she didn't, but she must have thought about it before, even if she never said it. Things like that don't just come out of no where."
"Even if she has had that thought before, that doesn't make it true. Danielle's death was an accident, a terrible accident that no one can be purely blamed for. Everyone had a part in it, your dad mainly for lying to you, telling you she was dead and then not telling you when she came back, looking for her mother. It's also Janine's fault for speeding in her car that day, if she had been going slower, Danielle may not have died. There are so many things that if done differently, may have made all the difference, but also, Danielle may still have died whatever happened, something else may have killed her. We will never really know and you can't blame yourself for things that were beyond your control."
This was the most Ronnie had ever heard Jack say at one time, and surprisingly, it comforted her. At least for that moment, whilst lying in Jack's arms, she believed that maybe her daughter's death wasn't her fault. She knew this feeling wouldn't last, and in the morning, when the moment had passed, she would go back to believing she had caused the death of the daughter she never got the chance to be a mother to, but just for those few moments, Ronnie found a peace of mind that she hadn't had since her dad had forced her to give her baby up all those years ago.
Ronnie awoke the next morning, having fallen into a peaceful sleep, still in Jack's embrace. She blinked a few times, trying to get used to the light before turning onto her side and glancing at the clock.
8.15
Ronnie couldn't remember the last time she had managed to sleep that late, it was a miracle if she slept past 6.00 lately. She turned back to Jack, just as his eyes opened and he too was awake. Neither of them mentioned what had happened in the night, there was no need to.
"I should go back home," said Jack, when they were both up and dressed,
"I'm sure your family don't want me here much longer and you need to sort things out with Roxy, you can't do that if I'm here," he reasoned.
"I don't want to talk to her," said Ronnie, shortly.
"I know you don't, but she's your sister and you two have arguments all the time, you will work this out."
"Never like this, she's never said anything like that to me before, we've fought, but it's only ever been petty arguments that everyone forgets about within five minutes. Except that one time. This is different Jack, she used the one thing, the one thing that she knows goes through my mind
everyday against me."
"I know, but that doesn't make her any less your sister," Jack said. Ronnie looked him straight in the eye.
"Doesn't it?"
|