Temptation is a nasty bitch. It tries to prey on people...
You shouldn't punish yourself, but I'm sure you already know that. If your friends forgive you, they seem to be understanding people. Maybe you can talk to them about how you feel, and the thoughts about suicide? It's not healthy to carry those kind of thoughts on your own.
I see you write that you've lost trust in people, and that is something I can relate to. But if your friends are forgiving - maybe they are good listeners and understanding too?
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