Originally Posted by
FakeSmiles
I wish "ana" would take over my body again, give me the strength to lose all of this hideous, ugly, FAT blubber on my body. it suffocates me. In the bath early I was just so aware of how all of my body felt. How grotesquely heavy my breasts felt on my chest, the rolls of fat around my belly, the way my arms seemed to spread like lard against my sides and the way I could push my fingers into my thighs and STILL not feel bone underneath.I feel hideous. Grotesque. A MONSTER. An ugly, fat, monstrous being. I just want to lose weight. Why does it have to be so ****ing hard? I can't lose it "healthily" and that's why I want my ED to take me over again, make me feel safe and in control, make me lsoe the weight I've re-gained since last time, just a few pounds, maybe a few more. I just want to feel pretty, if I was thinner things would be better. I could be happier, I KNOW I could be. The way I look is one of the main things that makes me feel so shitty about myself. I'm ****ing weak, WHY CAN'T I STOP EATING?! I hate myself right now. I feel like a fat bloated pig. I want my stomach to shrink back down to the size of a pea like it was last month, I want a few grapes and some water to fill me up like it did then. I want to see my stomach slowly getting flatter again and for my measurements to go down tiny bit by tiny bit. I want the sense of achievement that comes from successfully hiding my eating habits/hiding food. I want it back. i want it to consume me. i want to feel clean and pure again, not dirtied with this filth I've stuffed inside my body.
Sorry for the rant.