(I understand this is long, but my heart really goes out to you so please do read it all).
Why is self harm bad?
Self harm is a maladaptive way of coping. Meaning it is inadequate and counter-productive. I noticed that you said that self harm makes you "feel good". But if it really made you feel good - if it was really effective, then you wouldn't need to self harm cause you'd be happy. In short, self harm solves nothing. You can self harm because you are angry and it can relieve the tension and for that moment you may think that it's working - but you'll feel that anger again and you won't deal with the initial situation.
Self harm doesn't remove the painful things you are dealing with in your life, so you'll end up falling back and back into hurting yourself and feeling **** because the reasons you're harming are not going away - even if the feelings are (temporarily).
Your self harm might not be dangerous now. But I can almost guarantee you that you'll build a tolerance to your cutting and eventually you'll have to cut more to feel the same release. And I have to say also that there's no such thing as "safe" cutting. I thought there was once and I tried to give myself a small, inconspicuous cut and it turned out to be my biggest and I'll have the scar for life. You just don't know what is going to happen when you cut.
I noticed that you said your friends won't accept this decision of yours to keep self harming. I wondered how it would feel if someone you loved, like your Dad, came home from a hard day of work and went straight to his room to cut himself to cope. How would it make you feel? Likewise, if you have children one day and they had a hard day of school, would you suggest they self harm to make themselves feel better? Does it sound acceptable to you in these cases?
I am actually so desperate to get this reply right because I know where you are now, and I know what you're feeling... but if you could know what I am feeling where I am now not self harming anymore, it's amazing. You deserve this.
But I can't help but think perhaps you have a damaged self esteem if you are able to accept that self harm is okay on you. As I asked above is it okay for others that you love to do? Or is it just you? I really think you are worth so much more than this, I really do, and I'm SO GLAD you've got friends around you and a father willing to get you support. Maybe you should see the therapist that he is suggesting and discuss this issue with him?
You deserve to have some sense of stability in life, a chance at happiness and a chance at being able to deal with your life in a manner that will help you move forward, accomplish your goals.
But the biggest thing I have noticed is that you said recovery was scary. What is it about recovery that scares you?
Remember we are here for you. xx
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