[jonikd]

So I want to cut. Again. And my biggest concern right now is where I will cut myself that noone will see it. If I could cut with no chance of anyone noticing I would just do it every day. That in itself is ridiculous, and if someone else wrote this stuff in the forum I'd be full of advice and support and caring for them. So why can't I take my own advice and care even a little about myself.

I have many scars all over my arms, but they are healed long ago and people understand that its something from my past that I don't talk about. New scars are more problematic and harder to explain away at nearly 40 years old.

I have been home for a total of 30mins today, made myself busy visiting friends, exercising, playing with my Goddaughter in the sun, laughing, telling jokes....and now I'm home and bang, that overpowering feeling is straight back. If I have enough control to sit and figure out where and when then why can't I just not do it?

How do any of you actually distract yourself long enough for the urge to pass? I guess I must have all those years ago when I was SI free for so long, but I can't remember the "final time" was it a big deal, or did I just kind of stop and not realise it as the momentous occasion that it was?

This latest relapse each time the urge has come, I've cut. Pathetic, I have a great job, and many beautiful people in my life why do I have to do this. I don't want to lose it all and if people know I'm cutting I will lose everything and everyone that matters to me.

What am I doing wrong?