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Tonight
Looking at pictures, thinking about memories long lost...and trying to face the fact that MJ's not coming back. My other friend who was supposed to support me hasn't called me in a few days...I feel like a child. My grandmother and mom keep telling me that friends just "grow apart" me and MJ didn't. We stayed up late and did fun stuff, went to the movies, mall, stuff like that once a month. I can't let this go...the next therapy appointment is all about getting over past experiences, I doubt that'll be fun.
I know that the therapist is supposed to help; but I also know it won't happen overnight. I want to harm tonight, so I'm writing on my forum and i'll copy this into my journal that Elizabeth <name of my therapist> wants me to keep. So it's 12:28 on Friday night, and I've been thinking about this for about an hour I guess.
I keep wondering what is so f*cking wrong with me...everyone in my life leaves me. I'm so scared that one day I'll hurt my husband too, I try everyday to show and tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him. I'm a horrible person...Jesus I need to show Elizabeth this...I can't always put into words how I feel when I'm in front of someone. It's hard for me, I'm shy now...I was never shy before...my grandma keeps telling me how many friends I made as a child. I was a kid....no worries, no stepdad, no kids picking on me at school, no bad people trying to hurt me, no men trying to tear my clothes off and violate me...none of that...
I'm rambling now...I can't take this, there's something wrong with me...friends grow apart, but not so far that weeks and months go by and they don't call you. I have a friend right now who hasn't responded to me on Facebook in months, this wouldn't bother me but she has time to play 8 different apps and write her snuggy-bear cutesy lil messages EVERY MORNING AND EVERY NIGHT!
I'm tired of being abused, so me and Elizabeth came up with this statement about me and it's right on target....
"I hurt myself before others get a chance to, I hurt myself because others hurt me and I can't stand it..."
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