Hi! I'm so happy that you haven't SIed in a couple of months! that's great! you are definitely my role model. I am sorry to hear about your current state of emotions right now. I definitely know how you feel because I am in it too. I have been keeping clean by the butterfly project, which I saw on this website. You draw a butterfly on the place where you want to SI and if it washes away without a cut on it then it lives. I drew like a whole mural with butterflies and flowers and hearts on my arm. Maybe you can try that? you can definitely pm me if you want! feel better!
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