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Tethered.
Yup I'm back in business.
God was not smiling. As I curled up on a cold hospital bed in a cold clinical room I realised that I was well and truly trapped in life now. My secret suicidal thoughts were out for all to see and my God that scared me. I glanced over at my parents; Dad, head nodding as he fought his sleeping tablets and moaning every now and again about the lack of coffee, Mum, dark shadows encircling eyes glistening with maternal pain.
Hour after hour crawled by at snail pace, boredom and tiredness beginning to eclipse the raw pain of the actions that I had taken. My parents came and went, leaving in search of coffee and food and, I suspected, relief from the tension surrounding having a suicidal daughter. Once they had left I glanced around the little room, taking in the straight back chairs, the small varnished wooden table and the curtained windows.
Eventually my eyes lit upon a small television and video player. Sliding off my bed I investigated, finding a pile of old Disney films on the shelf below the television. I hesitated, stroking my fingers over the case. I was desperate to escape into childhood once more but unsure whether or not it was allowed or even appropriate to put on a video and immerse myself when I had caused so much pain and worry.
The yearning to return to the comfortable happy memories that the videos encompassed grew moment by moment. Eventually almost of their own accord I found my bony hands pushing the video for Lady and the Tramp into the VCR. I pressed play and settled in to watch.
Within moments I was totally absorbed, feeling as though I were five years old again. I lost myself in a world where animals talked, the bad guys never won and there was always a happy ending. As I watched I reached up to push a strand of hair from my eyes and found my cheeks salty and wet with unchecked tears. Curiously I wiped them away, wondering when I had become so used to the ache of grief that I no longer noticed the tears I cried.
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