[lilrenthefox]

I broke down last night and indulged myself in my timeless addiction, I feel weak and pathetic and I miss the friend that I lost and miss the way things used to be. I want her back in my life to hug me and smile at me and laugh at stupid jokes and let me cry on her shoulder when things are tough. Someone to talk about my intimate innermost feelings and share my thoughts with, I have been talking to her on Facebook for awhile. I'll upload my full story in my journal if anyone cares to read it, I feel so worthless and I can't believe that I slipped up after 3 years. All those days for nothing...

I cannot stop crying, or thinking about her, or talking to her on Facebook even though I know it'll just keep hurting me over and over again. I can't stop thinking about my next fix, and dreading how bad my relapse will be this time. I need help but cannot afford it so I'm here. I don't need MJ but she's all I've got as a friend goes. Someone help me please, make this all go away, let me wake up from this nightmare and have things go back to the way they were when we were in high school. Just the two of us, I'd keep my husband and everything else the same; but have our relationship untainted and perfect again.

I want to stay up for hours on end playing Killzone for PS2, and giggle at the horrific attempts at scary movies in the 80's-90's, I want to have the pictures on Facebook of the two of us going to the mall and trying on clothes that are silly, sunglasses that are too big, and funny looking hats...I want her to sit on the big oak tree that's growing out of the middle of he rmom's porch and talk while watching the sun go down.

I'll stop rambling, I'm sure by now I've lost most of you and if anyone's still reading they're probly agreeing with MJ about how stupid it is that I still love someone who hates me.