I think I am lucky in the sense that I still have the willpower to make myself leave the house, even when I don't want to. I am so worried that everyone will hate me if I dont show up that I'd rather be ugly but PRESENT at least, than ugly and hiding at home. I rarely get asked to go out anyway so I just give myself a good 3 hours or so to get ready. I am supposed to meet everyone at 6:30 tonight. It is not quite 3 yet and I have already started getting ready. And you'd think I wouldn't have to worry about makeup because I put some on this morning. But, no - I am asolutely certain that it must have smudged at some point so I have to redo it.
I tend to hide myself in baggy clothes a lot. I'll go through 20 outfits that any normal person would think looks great, but all I see is an ugly, awkward girl trying to be pretty and failing miserably. So I put on baggy jeans, sneakers, and a massively oversized shirt and call it quits because at least that way I can LOOK like I don't care what anyone thinks...
I called my psychiatrist today and told her I don't think the depression meds are working. I actually feel MORE depressed and I am always so angry. Her answer was to cut my pills in half. And I am really confused because I don't see how taking LESS depression medication is supposed to help me. ??? Especially since I was already on the lowest dose. (I've just started a new one.) I thought for sure she'd say to go ahead and double it, but ... cut it in half? Huh?
