[Nocebo]

Since leaving school many years ago and getting into a relationship where I was told 'everyone is evil' I 've struggled to make friends.

I went to college but couldnt finish the course due to depression and getting caught pregnant (shes nearly 8 now!)

Since then I've been married twice...I love my husband and family dearly. We have 2 daughters and a son who is due in just 6 weeks. But I feel lonely all of the time.

I've parented on my own all day all week whilst hubby has been working hard and then coming home to help. I've tried playgroups and online forums etc but I havnt made any friendships that seem to have 'stuck'. I could easily move and not 'miss' anybody.

I don;t understand what I'm doing so wrong. My husband doesnt understand either. I'm not a social recluse. I try so hard, maybe too hard(!?) and can easily keep up a conversation with anybody. Old ladies in the queue at Asda etc. I can communicate easily, I just don't seem to get the opportunity.

I tried facebook thinking that it might put me in touch with people who have drifted away, but I find I get upset because the couple of people who talk to me on there ONLY talk to me because I'm there...even though they have my mobile number!

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong at all. I often count how many people would be at my funeral...not many.

I've resisited harming myself for 2 years now but pregnnacy and a complete lack of social contact is weakening me somewhat and I don't know where i am anymore. I feel invisible.

I havnt even been to RYL for such a long time - I can trigger easily. I'm so fed up of writing everything in my journal and hiding it away.

I'm confused and tired. I really want to feel better, especially when baby is born. But I don't know if I will. Being a stay at home Mum is lonely work. I've done it for nearly 8 years and I'm not confident I can cope.